During some inner child work today, I realized my relationship with my father has been a distant one, even though he has been present my entire life. I'll explain further in a moment. Let me preface this in saying, in no way, does this mean he was or is a bad father. It's only purely reflection for myself, so that I can better understand what it is I seek out in the men I choose to show my affections to, and why.
My father has always been present. But quite apathetic. Not a lot of hugs, reassurance or talks of why he is proud of me. And many fathers struggle to develop an intimate relationship with their daughters because they only view intimacy as sexual in nature which of course causes them to withdrawal from any attempt to become closely connected.
But intimacy has 4 different Natures:
Experiential
Emotional
Intellectual
And the most known nature: Sexual
Experiential
Emotional
Intellectual
And the most known nature: Sexual
Sadly, in an attempt to ensure the 4th nature doesnt come anywhere near the relationship of Father and Daughter, men withdrawal all intimate natures. But that leaves a daughter feeling as though she doesnt matter. That you are indifferent to who she is. Her thoughts and feelings not valued or validated. It leaves her with an apathetic father who she desires a closeness he wont provide.
I have to reparent that part of me that seeks a close bond with him now and remind the little girl within that it was nothing she did wrong or nothing she did not live up to. It was simply a father who didnt understand empathy in terms of developing an intimate relationship with his little girl.
There is no handguide to being a father. Closeness wasnt hard as a very little girl for him. He always held me, held my hand, hugged me often. But as I grew into a young lady, even as early as 12, the withdrawal of affection began and the apathy followed. For years as I grew, I tried to figure out why my daddy didnt want to be close anymore. But it was likely that he didnt know HOW to be close and did not understand the different natures of intimacy and how empathy mattered in being there. Not just present physically and providing financially, but providing a safe emotional closeness to where I felt validated and valued rather than feeling as though I did something to push him away.
Thus I spent an entire lifetime trying to win his closeness. This same habit bled into my relationships with men I would date as well where I would often push them into withdrawing from me by my constant need for them to reassure me that I mattered to them. All the while I was simply trying to have them fill a void that my daddy left me with that I had not addressed. A shadow I had not faced until now.
Now....from here, I can reparent my inner child. Show her the love and affection and empathy I'd show to anyone longing to feel as though her thoughts, feelings, opinions mattered and are valued highly. I can create that empathetic safe space for myself to grow. I can know that I am enough and that I don't need to be more to win anyone over. I dont need to do extra just to be seen. I can just BE and thats enough.
- Brianna Carey
