Oh Christmas Tree....

Ya'll.

I am just now taking my Christmas tree down. Sweet Lord Jesus I kid you not. And I share this unashamedly because honestly I think it's a very human thing and if you're one of the few who take it down on January 1st, God bless your admirable heart, but I think there's at least a few in my tribe and that's okay too.

What was once a brilliant and beautiful tree, that brought an ambiance of light and warmth into my home, now sat in the corner, looking more like a dusty, broke down, Charlie Brown, shadow of its former self.

Yall, its not difficult to take down a tree at all, lol, YET here I am on the morning of Summer Solstice just now doing it. I looked at that tree in the corner today with determination and with the utmost confidence in my mind I said, "TODAY..... I AM TAKING YOU DOWN!" It made me laugh but also, I saw myself in that tree and paused... I thought... In the same way I neglected that tree in the corner, I have neglected myself. I have allowed the "dust" of life to cover me and keep me from my true brilliance. My Light was turned off. The dust of Worry, Self-Pity, Stress, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Financial Strain, etc. had settled on my soul like Pompeii. There I sat in a corner, frozen, paralyzed mentally, spiritually and physically for MONTHS.

But just like my drab little Christmas tree, today, I am going to take it down. Depression... I AM TAKING YOU DOWN. Worry... DOWN. Anxiety... DOWN, you catch my drift. Basically, I AM DONE. I refuse to sit in that corner, you know the corner I'm talking about right, the one where you make up every excuse as to why you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself, yeah that one... I am not staying there a moment longer wallowing in self pity, being a victim of my circumstances, acting like no one cares and no one wants to help when I wont even help myself. The insanity of that last sentence blows my mind.

Am I saying I'll never experience bad days ever again or that my mental illness will just go away forever like that magical carriage that turned into a pumpkin in that one Disney movie, NO. Not likely, seeing as just like any organ in our frail humanbodies, the brain also gets sick and needs to heal, mine is sick and so I will allow myself that grace to heal. But what I will NOT do anymore is allow myself to stay stuck in my sorrow, when I KNOW where my help comes from. IT COMES FROM THE LORD. And I have family and friends who DO CARE about me and want to help me desperately, bless their hearts, but they cant help me when I wont even help myself. As hard as they may try, the truth is, they cannot fix my way of thinking. They cannot go into my brain and rewire things that will help me view the world and my situation better. I am the one responsible for that. I know the skills, training and tools that will help me but it is literally up to me to USE them. Then and only then can kind words of encouragement, advice and love serve me at all. Knowledge has to be applied in order to work. You can have a spare tire in your trunk all you want to, but if you dont get it out when you have a flat tire, and swap that bad boy out, guess what.... You ain't going anywhere until you do.

I am not a victim. I am not someone to be pitied. I am not alone, out here on my own. That is the biggest lie. I have a Father in Heaven for one, who tells me "My yoke is easy and my burden is Light", and I do have people who love me and want me to be well and not sad. The world is not against me. I am not stuck, I simply allowed the dust of life's struggles to settle on me to the point of such heaviness that it felt like I could not move. But it's time for me to get up now. It's time to wash my face, shake off the dust, get out of the corner, turn on my light again, and shine brilliantly because God did not create me, "A city on a hilltop", to sit with my lights off, not serving my purpose for Him.

Gods word says: "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." - Philippians 4:8 NLT

In order for me to improve my wellbeing and my life overall, I have to fix my thinking. I have to use the tools I have been given by God. This may be a lifelong repair ya'll, because the wrong way of thinking I had built did not come to fruition overnight but today, right now in this moment.... Construction has begun, and I cannot wait to see what God helps me build when I apply myself and apply His word in my life. No more sitting there watching helplessly as life, REAL LIFE, the kind of life God intends for me, filled with joy, love, light and happiness, just passes me by. Nope. I am simply, utterly and indefinitely done doing that.

Thank You Jesus for epiphanies that come from the something as trivial as taking down a dusty Christmas tree, 6 months too late. YOUR WAYS ARE MYSTERIOUS AND MAGICAL AND NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME.

- Brianna Carey.

Seated in Humility

Life has taught me that it is perfectly okay to cry it out when you feel defeated. To grieve over losses, both big and small, regardless of whether the world sees it as a silly thing to fret about, if it matters to you then it matters, so you grieve it beloved until your heart heals. These losses can include unattained dreams, goals that fell through, the death of someone who meant the world to us, a broken heart from a lost love or even just something as simple as a day where you accomplished absolutely nothing when you had a to do list ready and now you feel like a lazy bum.... (Hello, me today, that last one.) Any and ALL losses are okay to grieve so the healing process can begin.

Each day, as you learn to let go of every individual expectation you created for how your life would go, where you'd be right now in life, what you would have accomplished by now, etc. etc., you'll slowly return to the present moment which is truly the only moment that is tangible and real. You'll begin to recognize that all you have done already is actually more than enough and all that remains in your life after counting your losses, is still quite succifient to provide for your needs. Maybe not your wants, but definitely your needs.

All of the effort it took before to remain grateful will begin to ease as you accept that your humanness is frail and that you should never had set those expectations upon yourself to begin with.

I dont know about you but expectations are no longer a burden I am willing to bare. What if my life today is all it ever will be? Will I spend the rest of my life bitter over it because it did not measure up to something I imagined in my head it would be? Will I really miss out on the joy of the present moment simply because it isnt what I wanted? That would be insanity and I do not want to live that kind of life or have that kind of attitude towards my life. No.... I am BLESSED. Has life been hard on my heart? Most definitely, but it has also been incredibly kind to me at times. It's all what I choose to focus on and I have to remind myself not to stand upon a pedistool of expectation when viewing my life but instead from a seated position of humility where I can clearly see how truly fortunate I have been. Perspective is everything.

I am grateful for today, for the tears I shed, for doing absolutely nothing, for being true to the present moment and how I am feeling in it. Tomorrow may or may not be the same but it will certainly BE, either way. And however it turns out, I will be okay with it because life is a plethora of unexpected events, some beautiful and some devastating, all of which serve a purpose in shaping me into the person I was created to be.

Thank You Jesus for my life. Thank You for the tears, the losses, the gains, the joy and the pain I have experienced. Thank You for Your grace to endure and for Your mercy on the days when I cannot. Thank You for loving me endlessly.... for without Your love, my life would be obsolete. I pray for peace that surpasses my understanding, for eyes that seek out the good in myself and in others, for ears that listen to Your word, and a soul that absorbs Your word like good soil, may they be planted and grow, transforming me into who You created me to be. In Jesus name, I pray, amen.

- Brianna Carey

By Evening

She awakes each morning with a desire to change. A desire to do better. To refrain from making the same mistakes as yesterday. By afternoon that desire fades along with the smile on her face. She slips into old habits, you know, they fit so comfortably. By evening, she's all but had it with life and all its inhabitants, because despite her best efforts to do better, this world....this cruel, unforgiving world.... it simply wont let her. 

- Brianna Carey