I Smile.....

I must continue to smile 

Though it has been a while 

now since you have passed 

I still look back 

and its only yesterday 

that I last kissed your face 

and heard you say 

I love you 

before you slipped away 

and I cant pretend 

that the pain within 

is not there 

but I am aware 

I cannot lay in wallow 

I must follow in the footsteps 

of the woman who raised me 

whose strength amazed me in many ways

Though there are many days 

I don't think I can go on 

I know I must hold on 

For my grace is coming soon 

Though it rains throughout the spring 

there is always Summer in June 

There is always the moon 

that gives light

even as the sun sets unto the night 

There's still a glimmer of hope which shines upon me 

A memory of you 

so I push through 

and I smile because I love you 

and I know you would want me to 

be happy. 

I am off to slumber. 

as the calm words of a friend ponder 

in this mind of mine. 

A chance at Peace.... 

but for now I sleep, goodnight. 

Always and Forever

Though it has been years 

it remains unclear 

as to why you had to go so soon 

Images of you keep flashing through her mind 

Reminded of the night 

you went away 

I pray everyday 

for her to have peace 

For the pain to cease 

in her heart 

I know a part of her is so strong 

But also a part of her, it longs 

to hold you just once more 

and that's the door 

that wont seem to close 

Only God knows 

why you left that day 

in the way you did 

All she can do is live 

with your two beautiful kids 

and the many happy memories you did share

I know you cared for her Avery 

You used to say me 

how much you did 

And although she'll never forget 

that sad time 

May her mind also remember 

some of the happiest Decembers 

you spent together 

And may you live on through her in her heart..... 

"Always and Forever" 

I love you

There isnt a day when I dont miss you

I am not with you 

but we are still together 

Forever as one 

I love you. 

Mercy

Another day has gone 

Another night leads to dawn 

The sky falls upon my eyes 

as I slip into a slumber 

I wonder....

when I awaken tomorrow 

Will the sorrows of yesterday 

stay with me 

Father please forgive me

Yet I ask again 

Is there no end to your merciful ways 

For my sake I pray not. 

Seeking Love

In my eyes you can see
a glimpse of the me that know one knows
Into the soul.... uncensored
but try to remember
before you judge
that I am only human
seeking Love.

Dare to be Different

My mind is still 

Though my thoughts are hectic 

Often described as a bit eclectic 

Unafraid to be different

I come equipped with 

a knowledge unlike most 

And of this, I don't boast nor brag 

I zig while others zag 

and I do it with a smile 

While others seek the limelight 

Me, I play the sidelines 

With a rhyme and a pen 

surrendered, patiently awaiting the ascend 

So, I cant pretend to be someone Im not 

simply to fit in 

It just wouldn't be me 

and to say the least it'd be....

quite boring.

Hear my Call

Emotionally, I haven't felt all that well in many a day
still I continue to pray
To say that life has been easy would be far fetched
But life is a test they say
and so I press on in Faith
in the hope that the Lord will make a way
where I cannot see one
for my eyes are blurry from
these tears that run
down my face
But I do have a place in the mist of the strife
Through my broken moments of my life
when I am falling to pieces
A place where I cling to Jesus
With Him I know I can beat this
I can face this pain
There will be a break in this rain
that hasn't ceased in so long
I just have to hold on
I know He'll come when the time is right
and will not leave my side
until He knows I can stand on my own
I have to believe
that in order to achieve peace
it has to be through Him who sees and knows all
Oh Lord will you hear my call
I do not want to fall any further.

Tonights Prayer

The other sheep may flee from me, judge me, and look down upon me for I am the black sheep who has gone astray into sin but to know that He will always extend His hand to me with a heart of compassion and that His eyes look upon me with understanding and mercy, His arms ready with a Love unconditional to offer me Forgiveness and not judgement, this is enough for me to keep climbing. I long to spend eternity with Him. I pray You will never let go of my hand O' Lord. 

Honestly....

No one understands how hard its been. I've literally had to pull myself from the couch every day when I wake up, because All I want to do is sleep. I've gone between that and periods where I lost my mind for the last 3 or 4 months doing anything and everything to distract myself so I don't have to feel this pain. :'( I have made more bad choices this year than I've made in all my life. My heart was shredded when I lost my mother, I know some people don't get that, because they didn't share a bond like my mommy and I did, but it was like losing half my soul.... like my heart was shattered and ever since Ive been trying to put back the pieces and people have judged me from the start of my grieving process, and even now everyone just expects I should move on, and I have run out of sympathy and compassion from others. Its like all those condolences on my wall when I first lost her, all those messages, everyone who reached out, who supposedly cared, And I mean dozens of people reached out to express to me how sorry they were for my loss, But now when I write a status on here about missing my Mommy, maybe 1 or 2 people ask if I am okay, and yet they'd be the same people talking about its such a loss if I disappeared, its like.... where are those people who reached out now? I didn't know that sympathy had a time limit. I didn't know that the caring would stop after a few months actually a couple of months with some people, including my job. I don't think they know how hard it is for me to smile, that I have to pull that smile from a place of either incredible strength or excellent acting ability, that I didn't even know I was capable of, when every single part of me wants to just break down and cry in the middle of the sales floor but I have fought back those feelings, to save face, to not appear weak or vulnerable. WHY?! I AM WEAK, AND I AM VULNERABLE AND I AM SAD. Incredibly sad, and I feel like sometimes no one cares. And it really really hurts. Just a few literally a few that reach out on every status I am down, every sad face I put expressing how i feel and how Ive truly felt since my mommy passed. And to those people, thank you and I appreciate your sincere way of being there for me. If it weren't for my faith which has wavered and teeter tottered since her passing, I would surely be dead right now and that is me being bluntly honest. It is a harsh reality but its the facts, I keep holding on looking to the Lord for Understanding and above all else His for His Grace to be sufficient enough to keep going and it doesn't always feel like I can but when someone is at the bottom of bottom, don't turn the other cheek or scroll past like "eh, not my problem" because your kind words, or a simple heart will sometimes make all the difference in the world to someone who is crumbling and feels as though they are all alone in how they feel. Well, all I can say is I guess ya'll will all understand when you lose someone who was your entire world how it feels when no one seems to care but very few simply because its been a few months later. Time is irrelevant when it comes to healing the loss of a loved one, my hours blend into the days, my days into the weeks and my weeks into the months, I have no real concept of the hours or days any longer and Idk exactly how long that last but I do know that these have been the hardest days of my life since that day. and they just keep getting harder. And for those who think Im happy all the time, appearances can be deceiving. Im happy when Im with my family, and my best friends, bcuz they briefly take my mind of of everything an onto them and it makes me smile which is a cherished time for me, but other than that I am the saddest person on earth. :'( So yeah, feel free to comment or more than likely nit comment, I just wanted to say what was on my mind after seeing only two people respond to my last post. Its all good. Its my heart, not yours right? Just goes to show me again that the world lacks compassion, Idk why it comes as a shock to me, just does. I guess I just assumed that because I always go out of my way to be there for everyone even when i have nothing to give, that others would do the same for me. Silly me.  

Honestly.

Learning. Knowledge. Wisdom

"Learning, is to listen to what someone else knows to be absolute Truth.
Knowledge, is to question what that person knows.
Wisdom, is to seek and obtain an absolute Truth for yourself." ~Brianna C Carey

Quote about Wisdom

Wisdom is the realization that you know nothing at all, yet the desire to know even more. 

I'm often asked why 

I stare into the sky....

My reply....

because what I look upon 

is not the sky

Not the atmosphere, nor the sun

Not the moon, nor the stars 

Not the space that keeps us apart 

But what I see 

Beyond the universe 

And through the galaxies 

Is a place of peace 

Where I am free 

Where I am still with you 

and you never left me. 

Quote about Beauty

"True Beauty is learning to love what you see in the mirror, flaws and all." ~Brianna C Carey

Heart on My Sleeve

If I am looked down on
for the mangled heart
which I proudly wear upon
this sleeve of mine
So be it...that's fine
For what I put out there into the world,
it may not always be pretty
but it comes from a place of purity 
always honest though sometimes brutally
One thing I will NEVER BE
is fake
Make no mistake about it
Love me or Hate me.
At the end of the day
What you have to say....
It wont break me.

Clever am I.

Writers block 

Trying to write but not a thought 

in sight. 

The words are there but they don't seem to fit right

and I don't wanna force it

but of course its; 

a bit frustrating 

The Words just laying 

on the tip of my tongue 

Yet they wont come together 

but Clever am I. 

Thoughts about the Universe

Our world is so incredible! Our oceans, a vast, beautiful, ever growing, unexplored plethora of mystery and captivation! I am beyond mesmerized at the new life being discovered every day on this earth. In this world. In our universe. Its continuously changing and evolving and it is magnificent! Im so humbled when I think of how I am but a small spec in the scheme of master design at the hands of a God of whom's power I cannot even fathom if I tried. To say that I am moved by His glory would be an understatement. From the stars to the grains of sand that make up the shores which line our oceans, I am in awe. 
DeepThoughts 

Love is like....

Love. 

It is like that of a gentle breeze that brushes ones cheek. 

Like the sound of the waves as they meet the shore. 

It leaves you speechless 

And wanting more. 

All I Desire

All I desire in this lifetime
is for one person in this world besides the Lord
to know the very core of who I am.
To look me in the eyes and be able to see the most vulnerable parts of me
that I tuck so deep inside,
and in seeing them in no way, shape or form would they ever try
to take advantage.
To understand me in moments when I make no sense.
Someone who accepts my past.
Inspires my present.
And encourages my future.
Someone who shares in my happiness, and my tears.
Embraces my awkwardness.
Vanquishes my fears.
Laughs at my jokes even when they aren't funny.
Gives without wanting anything from me.
Someone who seeks God more than I do so to inspire in me
the desire to be closer to Him.
Someone able not just to love me
but to be my best friend.
That's all I need.

Quote about the Heart

"I dont want to listen to my heart, I want my heart to listen to God." ~Brianna C Carey

Train Your Eyes Quote

"TRAIN YOUR EYES TO FOCUS ONLY ON THE GOOD AND SOON ALL THAT SURROUNDS YOU WILL BE PLEASING TO THE SIGHT, AND YOUR THOUGHTS WILL FOLLOW." ~Brianna C Carey

Quote about Struggle

"Never Give Up no matter how hard things get.

You're Never a Loser until you stop fighting.

You're Never Failure until you Quit!"

"Never Give Up"

To be honest 
Some days may be a struggle
But it doesn't mean that the next day will be the same. 
So when you feel like giving up I just want to say 
That the pain doesn't last forever. 
Things Do get better. 
I promise. 

Smile Through the Storm

Still awake and pondering Life 

My mind wandering the Night 

In search of that which is Good 

and all that is Right 

I inhale the Light but cannot sigh an exhale 

So I hold my breath until I'm pale in the face 

As I race against time to find 

that which I need to breathe 

A moment of peace 

Clarity is that which I seek 

Sincerity is what I need 

Transparency is what I bleed before you 

Yet you still cant see my pain 

Do I hide it so well 

that you are unable to tell 

when I am hurting 

I hide it...so not to be a burden 

Though I am certain I will be found 

despite the amount 

of effort I put out to stay hidden 

Lord may I be forgiven

for my complaint 

but this heavy lifting 

has weakened the Soul of this saint 

by just a bit 

Although I refuse to quit 

I am human I must admit 

it gets hard to bare 

They say "life, it is not fair" 

But somehow just knowing that You care is enough 

that even when this Life is at its most rough

I am able to smile 

even while it is Storming 

For weeping I may endure for the night 

but my Joy awaits me in the Morning. 

What Began in Sorrow

Up thinking while the rest of the world sleeps....

How is it that I can be.... 

A better me tomorrow?

What began in sorrow 

can also end in sweet bliss

Of this.....I am positive.

Untitled....

I am but a soul....

One Soul on this earth in transition 

In search of what Ive been missing....

for so long 

Not knowing how it went so wrong? 

But attempting to make it right. 

Trying with all my might to find my footing  

A safe place to land 

On the quest for God's plan 

All this flying 

without a destination at hand

has grown tiring 

How much time 

before this heart of mine 

gives out? 

Quote about myself

"I sometimes confuse activity with productivity! But i guess Im thankful at least my car isnt "in park" ya dig. I just gotta learn to drive it with an intended destination in mind and not just be out there wasting gas just joyriding."

Wise Quote

Sure a flower is beautiful for a season but eventually withers away having succumb to harsh climates. Weeds though they may not be as appealing to the eye but they are persistent and seem to not only last but thrive in the face of adversity." ~Brianna C. Carey

I miss you....

MOMMY
YOU ARE WORTH EVERY TEAR
THAT HAS FALLEN DOWN MY FACE
FROM THE DAY YOU WENT AWAY
UNTIL NOW
AND I DONT KNOW HOW
I'M GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS
ALL I KNOW IS
I MISS YOU.....

Mother and Daughter

"That little girl
she was your world
But in her eyes
you were hers
no one on this earth
can ever take your place
All I can do now is await the day
when I see your face
welcome me into Heaven....
I'll keep you in my heart....until we meet again."

Mommy......

My sweet Mommy,
Its been almost 8 months now since you left.
and I cant help but feel like I've been falling
Like I just cant catch my breath
I wake up some nights calling out for you
But then I remember you aren't there
And It just isn't fair
I wasn't ready to lose you
Its like I don't know what to do
I cant seem to get a handle on anything
There's just so many things that I struggle with
Its not just your death
that I cant accept
Its the months before
That day I came home to see you crawling on the floor
attempting to walk to the bathroom door
but you couldn't remember how to do that
It's that first week in December when I knew that
our world had changed forever
I knew this time you weren't going to get better
No matter how much I prayed
Day by day I watched the life slowly fade
from your beautiful face
It killed me to see it then
and it still kills me today
It's like I cant erase those images
and yet the remnants
of the memories I wish to keep
are nowhere to be seen
All I see is the pain
All I remember was the way
you struggled to find the words to say what you needed to
The look of frustration on your face, the way it bothered you
that you couldn't...
Because you were always so good with
words
Mommy, my heart hurts
Because I cant remember our last conversation
The devastation of that on it's own
is enough to break me
I just wish you could take me where you are
I know its far
But If only for a day
If Jesus could make a way for me to hold you
and see the smile on your face
I'd be so grateful
Lord knows how much I miss you....
But I know there isn't a way  
I know all that remains are these pictures
Your ashes that sit upon this fixture in my room
They are all I have left of you.....
You were the strongest woman I knew
I didn't think anything could take me from you
Or you from I
So I sit here and cry to Jesus
Please help me understand the reason
Why?
Why it had to be you?
Why it had to be so soon?

Wanderer

Sleepless Nights

Awake is my Mind 

While everyone else slumbers

Im going under

While this world keeps revolving 

My feet are stalling 

Im constantly wandering 

the hours squandering away 

before I know it, its the next day

and the chance at getting a handle on this life 

has gone away 

Gone are the days of routine 

A lot of life seems mundane 

even trivial

All I'm trying to do is maintain 

a bit of sanity in this living hell

Trying to find an out 

to this timeless prison 

This whirlwind I've been spinning in 

and Living in for months 

Im tired of waking up 

only to feel Im not awake 

And that I haven't really slept a day 

since you left. 

Its like my breath 

went with you when you took your last 

And I cant seem to get it back 

I lost track of my plan 

Not quite sure how to land

When I didn't even know I was falling 

Praying I'll hear my calling 

but not a sound yet 

I fear Your voice has left me

Lord, Don't forget me

Thats all I ask 

Please Forgive my lapse 

in judgement 

Keep me in your covenant 

and don't  let me wander forever 

I may be doing alright 

but I know I could be doing much better. 

Floetry for the Youth

Sometimes
I look around and I find
this world is shameless
You people do a lot of talking but it's aimless
Y'all talking just to be famous
But me. I'd rather remain nameless
To be Honest
As long as you're willing to hear me
I don't need you to see me
I want you to feel me
I'm speaking clearly
and from the heart right now
People are getting weary
and it's kinda dark right now
The world is living in a cloud
of misconception
in the very midst of deception
without a clue
I speak the truth
and yet these dudes are mad at me
Well go head and be mad then
A has been
that ain't what I'm looking for
so go on and dive in
to that crowd that you've grown so accustomed to
I'ma stand out and spit something that'll really reach this youth
I'ma use these tools I've been given to be diverse
Write to inspire future leaders of this earth
Not more Lil Wayne's and Gucci mane's
who's only intentions are to make it rain
We need great minds who use their brains
and not the coke game to get ahead
You ain't gotta slang yay to get ya kids fed
That's just the excuse that you're using 
Yeah I'm sure them brand new shoes that
you just bought yourself
and that platinum Rolex sitting on ya shelf
are feeding your kids well
Whatever you tell yourself
to sleep at night
But when it comes to my life....
I choose to live it right
so this is goodnight
to all you players of the game
Y'all go head and maintain
that image of money and fame that you've projected
I'ma sow my wealth into something worth the investment
Sit back and watch what I been blessed with
as it multiplies
My love for this spoken word
Unlike Romeo, it never dies.

Just my thoughts

"We all have these desires in our hearts. Dreams that we strive for. Just be careful bcuz God isnt the only one who can place desires in our hearts. The devil can too. It takes wisdom to know the difference. And the only way to obtain that wisdom is through a deeper spiritual connection with God. Seek Him."

A quote about positivity and negativity

"Living a life filled with negativity is like a pond, stagnant, not going anywhere. Always stuck in the same spot. No one really wants to be around you.

A life lived in Positivity is like an ocean, ever flowing, and going anywhere and everywhere the current may take you. 

And you soak up all the beauty that is within you. Others come to you to feel good. Sit by you. And are happy to be around you. 

Which would you rather be?"

Graced by Peace

I will never forget the day when
this beautiful butterfly with the broken wing
alighted upon my hand and then
for a moment remained there
like an angel as she stared into my eyes

I her. Her me.
A unity. A brief moment of clarity
Such a rare thing to see
Blessed to have had the opportunity
to be graced by her presence
the essence of peace

Prayer

Dear God,
I know it's been a minute since we've spoken
but if you'll hear me out for a moment
I'm broken and I need you
I'm hoping you'll come to my rescue
Just one more time
I'm on my knees and I'm crying
I'm praying you'll find it
in your heart to forgive me
I haven't been me
for so long
I don't know exactly at what point it all went wrong
But I need it to be right
Somewhere along the way I lost sight
of what I needed to do
I lost sight of You
The pull of this quick sand
that is the world drew me in
Now I feel I'm drowning
and I need You to save me yet again....

Rhyme or Reason

My first thought of the day turned into a poem as usual. :)) 

So I thought Id share it. 

It Must be the Poet in me. 

Everything must flow off the tongue easily and ryhme

otherwise whats the point in speaking....

If nothing I say or has any rhyme or reason?

Impact

What can I do to make an impact? 

First Thought of the day.....

I wanna touch the world 

I wanna move the Earth 

with these hands

I got a plan

But I gotta put it into action 

I cant make a difference 

If all I'm doing is acting like I care 

I gotta get out there 

and share the Love 

But will Love be enough 

to make a change? 

Lets hope so.... 

Quote about Inspiration

"YOU INSPIRE ME. I INSPIRE YOU. WE INSPIRE THE WORLD." ~Brianna C Carey

Words of a hopeless romantic

I don't care if you got enough money to make it rain....
I prefer the sunshine
and this smile you keep on my face.
I wouldn't mind if you were mine
I mean.... Im Just sayin

THANK YOU....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE INSPIRE ME
AND IGNITE A SPARK IN ME THAT LEADS
TO A BLAZE OF CREATIVITY
A FIRE THAT WONT CEASE
I MEAN....
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
I AINT GOTTA SAY NO NAMES
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Baby You Got It (That Type)

You got the type of kiss
that's like instant bliss
A feeling that lifts me to a place of no gravity
You got that type of grip on me
Tight. Like I cant break free
no matter how hard I try
I mean...why on earth would I
You got that type of voice
that has me feeling like SWV
Weak
Knees shaking, I cant speak
Speechless.
That's how your loving leaves me
Ceaseless.
The things you do to please me
It completely blows my mind
before I even know it I'm
watching the fireworks
Immersed in you and I
Transfixed on your every word
Captivated I cant deny
You got the type of eyes
that just pierce right through me
deep down in my soul you move me
Our chemistry is that of a dream
I never thought I'd awake from
to see it with my own eyes I'm overcome
overwhelmed with emotions
and I'm hoping you feel the same.

Singing Sweet Songs

Woke up this morning feeling free

Singing sweet songs 

Through another day I made it 

My heart beats on 

My soul rejuvenated 

I could have given in 

at anytime to bitterness 

and negativity 

But I chose to rise above and just 

fuel this Positivity 

For those who wanna sing with me 

Sing sweet and never sour 

'swing low sweet chariot' 

Coming on the fifth of every hour 

to carry this 

Heart of mine home 

My happiness is my very own 

Though my soul is prone to sadness 

I've been known to fill these lungs with gladness 

and breathe Peace 

May this Light of mine

never cease to shine 

and inspire kindness 

I find that 

the more I give 

and the less I take  

Love begins to shape my world 

into something beautiful 

Don't let greed make a fool of you 

Don't let the minuscule things in life 

lead you to compromise 

Your integrity  

for what may only be immediate gratification 

Me, Id rather be patient 

and await the much greater blessing 

that God will place in 

these hands of mine

Until then I sing this rhyme to thee 

A melody of thanks 

for what I've been given 

As I continue livin with a smile 

Grateful all the while.... :) 

Words of encouragement

If you had a hard day today
I just wanna say.....
It will get better.
Hang in there.
Keep ya head up
That rain will let up eventually
But for now....
I'm out.....Peace.

Beautiful Morning

I wanna go for a walk and breathe in the fresh air. 

Run my fingers across the morning dew 

on the leaves of the trees I walk through. 

Smell a flower or two. 

Smiling as I think of you. 

You are a part of all of this beauty that I see now. 

Blessed am I to witness how 

the sunrise seems to shine even brighter. 

The sky a lighter shade of blue. 

Only you could do that Mommio, 

take something that already shimmered and turn it to Gold. 

I miss you 

but as I walk through these flowers and trees 

watching the birds and the bees 

who stoop happily upon the plants 

I cant help but feel you the most there 

And that makes life a little easier. 

I'll never stop needing you here. 

But its becoming clear as I lay here in this grass 

looking up at the sky thinking of my past, my future, 

and hoping for the best 

I realize that you never really left 

At least not in spirit. 

When I close my eyes I can feel it. 

If I listen close as the wind blows in my ears I can hear it....

the sound of your voice and it calms me. 

I love you Mommy. 

Until we meet again 

I'll be the woman you raised me to be. 

Do my best to stay happy. 

Breathe life in and exhale the bad. 

I am blessed to have had 

A Mother like you for the time that I did. 

And I am thankful for this. 

I still miss you deeply 

but as long as this heart of mine keeps beating. 

I will walk. 

I will push on. 

Hold my head up and be strong 

like you taught me. 

That is my promise to you. 

No matter what I go through. 

I Love you Mommy.