Mercy

Another day has gone 

Another night leads to dawn 

The sky falls upon my eyes 

as I slip into a slumber 

I wonder....

when I awaken tomorrow 

Will the sorrows of yesterday 

stay with me 

Father please forgive me

Yet I ask again 

Is there no end to your merciful ways 

For my sake I pray not. 

Seeking Love

In my eyes you can see
a glimpse of the me that know one knows
Into the soul.... uncensored
but try to remember
before you judge
that I am only human
seeking Love.

Dare to be Different

My mind is still 

Though my thoughts are hectic 

Often described as a bit eclectic 

Unafraid to be different

I come equipped with 

a knowledge unlike most 

And of this, I don't boast nor brag 

I zig while others zag 

and I do it with a smile 

While others seek the limelight 

Me, I play the sidelines 

With a rhyme and a pen 

surrendered, patiently awaiting the ascend 

So, I cant pretend to be someone Im not 

simply to fit in 

It just wouldn't be me 

and to say the least it'd be....

quite boring.

Hear my Call

Emotionally, I haven't felt all that well in many a day
still I continue to pray
To say that life has been easy would be far fetched
But life is a test they say
and so I press on in Faith
in the hope that the Lord will make a way
where I cannot see one
for my eyes are blurry from
these tears that run
down my face
But I do have a place in the mist of the strife
Through my broken moments of my life
when I am falling to pieces
A place where I cling to Jesus
With Him I know I can beat this
I can face this pain
There will be a break in this rain
that hasn't ceased in so long
I just have to hold on
I know He'll come when the time is right
and will not leave my side
until He knows I can stand on my own
I have to believe
that in order to achieve peace
it has to be through Him who sees and knows all
Oh Lord will you hear my call
I do not want to fall any further.

Tonights Prayer

The other sheep may flee from me, judge me, and look down upon me for I am the black sheep who has gone astray into sin but to know that He will always extend His hand to me with a heart of compassion and that His eyes look upon me with understanding and mercy, His arms ready with a Love unconditional to offer me Forgiveness and not judgement, this is enough for me to keep climbing. I long to spend eternity with Him. I pray You will never let go of my hand O' Lord. 

Honestly....

No one understands how hard its been. I've literally had to pull myself from the couch every day when I wake up, because All I want to do is sleep. I've gone between that and periods where I lost my mind for the last 3 or 4 months doing anything and everything to distract myself so I don't have to feel this pain. :'( I have made more bad choices this year than I've made in all my life. My heart was shredded when I lost my mother, I know some people don't get that, because they didn't share a bond like my mommy and I did, but it was like losing half my soul.... like my heart was shattered and ever since Ive been trying to put back the pieces and people have judged me from the start of my grieving process, and even now everyone just expects I should move on, and I have run out of sympathy and compassion from others. Its like all those condolences on my wall when I first lost her, all those messages, everyone who reached out, who supposedly cared, And I mean dozens of people reached out to express to me how sorry they were for my loss, But now when I write a status on here about missing my Mommy, maybe 1 or 2 people ask if I am okay, and yet they'd be the same people talking about its such a loss if I disappeared, its like.... where are those people who reached out now? I didn't know that sympathy had a time limit. I didn't know that the caring would stop after a few months actually a couple of months with some people, including my job. I don't think they know how hard it is for me to smile, that I have to pull that smile from a place of either incredible strength or excellent acting ability, that I didn't even know I was capable of, when every single part of me wants to just break down and cry in the middle of the sales floor but I have fought back those feelings, to save face, to not appear weak or vulnerable. WHY?! I AM WEAK, AND I AM VULNERABLE AND I AM SAD. Incredibly sad, and I feel like sometimes no one cares. And it really really hurts. Just a few literally a few that reach out on every status I am down, every sad face I put expressing how i feel and how Ive truly felt since my mommy passed. And to those people, thank you and I appreciate your sincere way of being there for me. If it weren't for my faith which has wavered and teeter tottered since her passing, I would surely be dead right now and that is me being bluntly honest. It is a harsh reality but its the facts, I keep holding on looking to the Lord for Understanding and above all else His for His Grace to be sufficient enough to keep going and it doesn't always feel like I can but when someone is at the bottom of bottom, don't turn the other cheek or scroll past like "eh, not my problem" because your kind words, or a simple heart will sometimes make all the difference in the world to someone who is crumbling and feels as though they are all alone in how they feel. Well, all I can say is I guess ya'll will all understand when you lose someone who was your entire world how it feels when no one seems to care but very few simply because its been a few months later. Time is irrelevant when it comes to healing the loss of a loved one, my hours blend into the days, my days into the weeks and my weeks into the months, I have no real concept of the hours or days any longer and Idk exactly how long that last but I do know that these have been the hardest days of my life since that day. and they just keep getting harder. And for those who think Im happy all the time, appearances can be deceiving. Im happy when Im with my family, and my best friends, bcuz they briefly take my mind of of everything an onto them and it makes me smile which is a cherished time for me, but other than that I am the saddest person on earth. :'( So yeah, feel free to comment or more than likely nit comment, I just wanted to say what was on my mind after seeing only two people respond to my last post. Its all good. Its my heart, not yours right? Just goes to show me again that the world lacks compassion, Idk why it comes as a shock to me, just does. I guess I just assumed that because I always go out of my way to be there for everyone even when i have nothing to give, that others would do the same for me. Silly me.  

Honestly.

Learning. Knowledge. Wisdom

"Learning, is to listen to what someone else knows to be absolute Truth.
Knowledge, is to question what that person knows.
Wisdom, is to seek and obtain an absolute Truth for yourself." ~Brianna C Carey

Quote about Wisdom

Wisdom is the realization that you know nothing at all, yet the desire to know even more. 

I'm often asked why 

I stare into the sky....

My reply....

because what I look upon 

is not the sky

Not the atmosphere, nor the sun

Not the moon, nor the stars 

Not the space that keeps us apart 

But what I see 

Beyond the universe 

And through the galaxies 

Is a place of peace 

Where I am free 

Where I am still with you 

and you never left me. 

Quote about Beauty

"True Beauty is learning to love what you see in the mirror, flaws and all." ~Brianna C Carey