Won't You Take Me

My eyes have cried

My heart has bled

These tears I've shed

have lead me to this river

The river in which I.... wish to drown

Lost am I and unable to be found

I wonder aimlessly around in search of my Mother

But she is gone and I am here

Why? I wonder....

Why am I still alive and not her?

Won't you take me instead

For I am dead inside anyway

So what good am I to keep alive if I don't want to stay

I want to be with her

I want to leave this earth

so why leave me hanging?

Why keep me breathing

My heart beating;

Me dangling in suspense

wondering when this torment will end

and put an end to my misery

This is torture to me

Knowing how badly I long not to Be

but having no say in the matter

No choice of whether or not I go

and it's not fair

I don't care for this world anymore

But You ignore my pleas to take me

To make me a part of Your family

To allow me to be with my Mother

I am begging you please....

Don't make me suffer another day

Take this pain away

Lay your hand on my life and say

'It is time'.

A Break in The Clouds...

Lord, I cannot do this
I want so badly to get through this
but I don't see a way
I can't see the light of day
let alone the light at the end of the tunnel
In this dark funnel I am in
there is no Sun.....only wind, rain, and debree
that knocks the life out of me
I open my eyes to see
but my vision is not clear
So I try even harder to hear your voice
to know your near
but it too is distorted
Your "still small voice" is
becoming even smaller yet
How can I follow You if
I do not know the way
If I can't tell night from day?
What more can I do but pray for this pain to flee
For this storm surrounding me to be over
I know that my prayers are no more
important than any of your children
Any who have lived with struggle in their life
who has had to say goodbye
to the ones who made their lives worth living
I know it's wrong to pity and say "woe is me"....
and Father forgive me
but I just can't stand this
the emense emptiness in my heart
I can't stand being apart from her
It's beyond hard
If this was a lesson
then what was I expected to learn
Tell me Lord....please just say something
Don't stay silent and give me nothing
I need You to help me do this
please help me through this
I can't do it all alone
Don't leave me out here on my own
to fend for myself
Help me to fight this storm
Keep me in Your shelter
Safe from harm
like You said in Your Word
"Stand firm in your Faith....
be not dismayed;
for I am the Lord your God
and I will strengthen thee"
Well, trust me....
I'm standing as firm as I can
Wont you let me breathe again
Give me some peace within my struggle
That's all I need
Just a moments peace
A small break in the clouds to see
even a glimpse of your Light
so that I might be okay
in Jesus name I pray....
Amen.

"No Amount of Time"....

There wont be a day in my life
that will be quite like
that of the day you took your last breath
As the soul in your body left
So did the color in my face
In a daze of pure and utter shock
My legs fell weak...I couldn't talk
My whole world changed
in a matter of seconds
All I was left with were these memories
But they're not enough for me
It's been tough for me to take
Having to fake a smile each day I wake
To look someone in the eyes and say
that I am doing just fine
when in my mind, I'm actually dying without you
Trying to fight through tears every second
My whole world was about you
Now what do I do?
What does it mean to push through?
Am I supposed to forget you?
Act like you weren't just in this room I sit in
Pretend like it makes a difference that you're in Heaven
Because it doesn't
It wasn't about you being with Jesus
that's not what bleeds this heart of mine
It's the time I have to spend without you
Now that you've gone
I'm surrounded by friends and family, yet I'm alone
Will that feeling ever vanish?
I doubt it....but I guess I'll manage
For you Mommy, I'll do
everything in my power to pull through
I promise you....
even if it takes forever
Although no amount of "time" can sever
the bond that we shared
or ever repair this heart of mine
No one I'll find can compare
to the Love you gave....
the way you cared
Not even the distance between the Heavens and the Earth
Could begin to describe your worth to me
It's why this hurt runs so deep into the core of my soul
and will do so to the very end
For I will not be whole my sweet Mommy....
Until we meet again.

No More

No more will these walls close me in
Threatening my purpose for living
I am driven now more than ever to succeed
I feel it in my bones a need to be
ever more vigilant than before
To knock down the door
before it even has the chance to shut
To never let anyone stand in my way
or say....who they think I can become
Because the Lord told me that "His will be done"
Not the will or the opinion of others
I'm out from underneath these covers of insecurity
Only clarity surrounds me now
And that's how I'll survive
I'll take pride in my gifts given
Not waste a moment of this life I'm living
I'll live in His light and seek His direction
Stand firm in protection from any weapon the enemy may form
With God I can withstand any storm they throw my way
He created the day and the night
So I am sure He can help me fight this battle
My heart may be rattled but it is not broken
So here's to hoping for a brighter future
For more blessings than I'm used to
And I pray for those who've been through the same
May your heart, mind and soul lay
in the Lords light until you too can say
No more.....
I WILL HAVE MY BRIGHTER DAY

Yet Again

Forgive me father for I have sinned....
yet again....
This is becoming a pattern
Insecure and battered I come to you
Claiming to know Not what I do
but feeling the truth is far more ominous
I feel I am sabotaging this.... relationship we have
If I can even call it that?
You're grace is unbelievable
You're forgiveness so inconceivable
that I don't feel I deserve it
Why would a sinner like me be worth it
I just keep making mistakes
Disobeying your word
How long can the hurt of disappointment
prolong before it's pointless for you to keep taking me back
I should know how to act
I know what I have read and that your word is fact
So why do I keep slipping
I feel I am gripping the edge of a cliff
clinging only by my fingertips
and I could fall at any minute
Would you please rescue me once again
Take my right hand and save me?

What if....

What if we had given it our everything we had
What if you had given me the engagement ring instead
That you were thinking of getting
that December when you ended college
What if I'd had your baby son or daughter
would you have wanted to be a part of their lives and mine
What if we weren't so far apart in space and time?
Could you handle seeing my heart in the hands of another
Could I envision you with a lover other than myself
Would it have helped if I had stayed
Would you have still needed your space despite
Was I right to walk away then, my heart still in tact
Or did we severely damage the foundation of our past
and crumble the fact that we were meant to be
making it impossible to act on our future
I guess the what ifs of life can haunt you
just as you continue to do
The one who got away......

Can I See From Your Perspective

Since I'm awake
I figured I'd take the time
to express what's on my mind
I find these days it's very hard to sleep
Even harder not to weep
As I kneel at the feet of my Father
I plead that He keep these tears
and wont bother giving them back
That He takes this pain that I have
and replaces it with peace
Give my heart some ease
at least for just a moment
May I see into your home with the angels?
I just want to view this all from your angle
if only for a day
May I lay my head where you lay Jesus?
Can I see this through your eyes
please just....
make it make sense to me
Wont you let me see your plans
Even just one glance at the bigger picture
Then this walk I'm taking with you wouldn't be so dark
This part of life wouldn't be so hard to take
If I could see from your perspective
so that all that I am left with
is not just sadness
but instead with a sense of hope
So that I can begin to cope just a little bit better

Hear My Call.....

I can't handle this silence
A lack of guidance in my mind
I sit idly by your side in wait
For a response, for you to state
what's next for me
I can't hear you clearly anymore
The once open door has been shut
And all that's left is sadness
A deafening madness that lingers
I touch together these fingers in hopes of an answer
A slight chance of a glance at what you see
Because for me right now, I'm in a cloud of darkness
The same cloud I thought I had parted with years ago
But low and behold
She has returned with a vengeance
I keep hoping that you will end this
And show me your light again
That you'd once more be my friend and guide me
Walk at my right hand, always beside me
Otherwise the lies will lead
and I fear I will follow aimlessly
like the stray sheep
I need my shepherd
without you I will definitely fall
Lord hear my call before it's too late
Before I wander too far away.....

My Last Poem to My Mommy

It's getting late
Yet I hesitate to fall asleep
afraid to even blink
with the chance that I may
shut my eyes and never wake
My worst fear to miss out on life
and never take
the opportunity to Live it
Though God giveth He can also taketh away
Although I pray
that doesn't happen
At least not before I get to say
How much you matter
How much your laughter warms my soul
that you fill the hole in my heart
the way only a mother can
and I understand
it's not easy raising a child like me
Let alone three
Multiple personalities
It's a wonder to me
You were even able to be there
for all of our needs
Without a care for yourself
Not your career or even your health
came into play
Until you could say
with all certainty that we were all okay
That we were taken care of
You made me constantly aware of
An Unconditional Love
A Love that holds no punches
Keeps no grudges
and never ever judges
From the moment I was born
and you held me in your arms
That is the Love you've continued to love me with
And I thank you for it
Though I do not always show it
I would pray that you would always know that
I love you more than these words on paper could ever express
and I am truly blessed
to have you as my Mother.

By: Brianna C. Carey

I wrote this poem a few months ago when my mommy was still very much well. She was able to read it. I thank God that I couldn't sleep that night and that He gave me the words to tell her everything I needed to in just this one poem. She read it, and she cried and she hugged me and said thank you baby. And we were going to get a frame for it, but soon after in Mid December of 2011, she started on a downward road in health. It wasn't but maybe 2 weeks after we decorated the Christmas tree, our first real one that we all picked out together, and all of a sudden, she no longer knew how to do anything for herself, walk, eat, shower. I mean literally overnight. She had some coherency in the day time when it all first happened but then soon after the basics stopped, so did the conversation, and then all there was was I love you Mommy, and I love you too Brianna, and then 3 weeks later, she could barely speak anymore, only smiles. And then 3 days later....she took her final breath before my eyes, and I watched in just 2 short months her go from having more energy and strength than me to losing weight, struggling to swallow, and breathe, right on to passing away. It will never make sense to me. It will always be the worst part of my life that I have ever had to go through. It will never be easy to go back to what's normal by society's standards, because what was normal to me, was coming home to her after work, watching shows, and movies together with her, and going to the beach with her. My whole life was with her, About her, and I don't ever see "normal" happening in my life again. Not until I'm with her again. And for me it may sound morbid, but that day couldn't come soon enough because being with her made me better. It made me happy. It helped me push through the depression that I have been suffering from for years. She gave me a reason to push through. I guess what I am trying to say is....the hole in my heart that she once filled while she was with me, has now returned and all I have now is a band aid of memories. But I will cherish you Mommy for every single day of my life, I will make you remembered in every action that I take in this world. I love you more than life itself.....until we meet again my sweet Mommy.....:'(