No one understands how hard its been. I've literally had to pull myself from the couch every day when I wake up, because All I want to do is sleep. I've gone between that and periods where I lost my mind for the last 3 or 4 months doing anything and everything to distract myself so I don't have to feel this pain. :'( I have made more bad choices this year than I've made in all my life. My heart was shredded when I lost my mother, I know some people don't get that, because they didn't share a bond like my mommy and I did, but it was like losing half my soul.... like my heart was shattered and ever since Ive been trying to put back the pieces and people have judged me from the start of my grieving process, and even now everyone just expects I should move on, and I have run out of sympathy and compassion from others. Its like all those condolences on my wall when I first lost her, all those messages, everyone who reached out, who supposedly cared, And I mean dozens of people reached out to express to me how sorry they were for my loss, But now when I write a status on here about missing my Mommy, maybe 1 or 2 people ask if I am okay, and yet they'd be the same people talking about its such a loss if I disappeared, its like.... where are those people who reached out now? I didn't know that sympathy had a time limit. I didn't know that the caring would stop after a few months actually a couple of months with some people, including my job. I don't think they know how hard it is for me to smile, that I have to pull that smile from a place of either incredible strength or excellent acting ability, that I didn't even know I was capable of, when every single part of me wants to just break down and cry in the middle of the sales floor but I have fought back those feelings, to save face, to not appear weak or vulnerable. WHY?! I AM WEAK, AND I AM VULNERABLE AND I AM SAD. Incredibly sad, and I feel like sometimes no one cares. And it really really hurts. Just a few literally a few that reach out on every status I am down, every sad face I put expressing how i feel and how Ive truly felt since my mommy passed. And to those people, thank you and I appreciate your sincere way of being there for me. If it weren't for my faith which has wavered and teeter tottered since her passing, I would surely be dead right now and that is me being bluntly honest. It is a harsh reality but its the facts, I keep holding on looking to the Lord for Understanding and above all else His for His Grace to be sufficient enough to keep going and it doesn't always feel like I can but when someone is at the bottom of bottom, don't turn the other cheek or scroll past like "eh, not my problem" because your kind words, or a simple heart will sometimes make all the difference in the world to someone who is crumbling and feels as though they are all alone in how they feel. Well, all I can say is I guess ya'll will all understand when you lose someone who was your entire world how it feels when no one seems to care but very few simply because its been a few months later. Time is irrelevant when it comes to healing the loss of a loved one, my hours blend into the days, my days into the weeks and my weeks into the months, I have no real concept of the hours or days any longer and Idk exactly how long that last but I do know that these have been the hardest days of my life since that day. and they just keep getting harder. And for those who think Im happy all the time, appearances can be deceiving. Im happy when Im with my family, and my best friends, bcuz they briefly take my mind of of everything an onto them and it makes me smile which is a cherished time for me, but other than that I am the saddest person on earth. :'( So yeah, feel free to comment or more than likely nit comment, I just wanted to say what was on my mind after seeing only two people respond to my last post. Its all good. Its my heart, not yours right? Just goes to show me again that the world lacks compassion, Idk why it comes as a shock to me, just does. I guess I just assumed that because I always go out of my way to be there for everyone even when i have nothing to give, that others would do the same for me. Silly me.
Honestly.
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