To be honest....

Since you've been gone; I have been so lost. I have done so many things wrong, I've made more mistakes in this year & a half than I have in my entire life. I am not quite sure I can be forgiven for the things I have done. I am positive I cant forgive myself. I know you dying was no excuse for me losing my mind, & not being the respectful woman you raised me to be, but I'm not, and here I am, I've spent through everything you left me as a startup to make my dreams come true, wasted it on material crap that means jack squat to me now just for a temporary lift at the time I bought all this stuff, just stuff. My life is so cluttered with all this stuff. Crap I don't even need, just trying to fill the void that missing you has created in my heart. I haven't had a routine since the day you died, I don't check the mail, I don't pay my bills until they cut me off & I have no choice. I haven't cared about anything, and barely anybody. I just don't know at all what Im doing. I feel like I have been walking blind. Just out here, existing but not functioning at all. I just wish I had done better, done something that would've made you proud, but instead, I have done all I possibly can that would disappoint you & I am disappointed in myself for doing so. Nothing anyone says about 'time healing', and' it'll all make sense one day', can change the fact that I hurt so badly. Whats worse is I still don't know what Im doing. Im still just out here.... it's like walking in dense fog, I cant find my way. And no one can help me. I have prayed for direction, & nothing.... I hear nothing, I feel nothing. I haven't truly felt any real emotion since you died except for sad. Deeply sad, and so lost. I dont know if God even hears me anymore, and Im still angry with Him for taking you, so why would He even want to hear me. I just hate who I have become & yet haven't the slightest clue how to fix what is broken in me. I just wish you were here. I just want to talk to you & hug you, but I cant. The worst part os because of all I've done wrong Im not sure if I ever will see you again. I dont know that if I died right now that I'd go to Heaven, and so that doubt makes it even harder to function. I am just carrying so much guilt & sadness that I am doing good just to be breathing. I just miss you so much & I will never stop missing you. Im so sorry Mommy & to God for all I've done. I love you & I pray so deeply that God will forgive me & that one day I will forgive myself. I love you Mommy.