Hi, my name is Jane.

I like to party a lot, I mean, that's what life is about right? Having a good time? I go to all the best clubs, and nobody turns up better than me. I get so wasted. I'm the life of the party, at least that's what they tell me, I usually can't remember much from the night before. But whatever. I don't care. I do me. Only God can judge me. Right? Well anyway, I drink or do whatever drugs because I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me. I have fun. My friends are just like me. They all love me for who I am. This is what makes me happy.....

Well, I think it does anyway. Sometimes when I'm by myself, I get sad. But I don't let that show when I'm out with my friends. I just bottle it up and pretend. Or pick the bottle up and get wasted again. To be honest..... I'm actually kind of tired of living like this. It's not even living. I'm not even present most of the time. I can't remember the last real conversation I've had with anyone. I'm so broken. I just want my life to feel normal again, not tossed about in a whirlwind of misery like I have been for so many years. I want my mind to be clear. It used to be.... before I lost sight of whats right as oppose to wrong.

I don't know how it all got so bad.

Remember those friends I was telling you about earlier, they don't really care about me. If they did, they would tell me the truth. They would see my brokenness and try to help, as oppose to making it worse. I don't want another drink, I don't want another night I can't remember. I don't want the hangover the next morning. I'm sick and tired of crying and having no end to my pain, no matter how drunk I get, no matter how numb the drugs make me, they eventually wear off and I'm right back here again.... at this moment. Hurting.... it's like there's this hole in my soul and I keep trying to fill it, but I still feel empty. I still feel alone.

I've tried EVERYTHING.

Well....not everything. I haven't tried you Jesus.... So.... here goes nothing. I mean, what could it hurt. I've heard good things about you. That you're forgiving. For my sake, I really hope that's true... :) The things I've done aren't exactly worthy of that kind of Love. But maybe it can fill this void. Nothing else has. Maybe you're the answer. You could heal my pain..... and maybe I don't have to hurt so much anymore. Maybe I don't have to feel so alone. I know I don't have a lot of me left to give you. I have given so much of myself to everyone else, and my heart is so unclean, but if you'll still have my heart.... it's yours. I don't know what you will do with it, it's a mess but here.... take it.

Wow.... it kinda feels nice to tell someone how I've really felt all these years. It sorta feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know it's gonna be a long walk ahead but I'm kinda glad I'm not walking it alone anymore. Thanks God..... ya know.... for listening.

An Excerpt from "The Many Lives of Jane" By Brianna Colleen Carey