I give my job my all. Everyday I come in a half hour or more early to check emails and prep for my 8 hour shift which generally ends up being much longer because I'm dedicated to doing very well. I work hard because my performance matters to me. I put care and effort into everything I do at work. But why is it that with any company I've ever worked for that my best is never good enough. If I do really well one month, they expect more the next, and then more after that and so on and so on.
When I worked for a retail store in the past and I made my sales quota, they raised it time and again until it was no longer reachable for me no matter how hard I pushed or tried, which inevitably led to me being dismissed from that position. God has since led me to two different jobs after that one, and each one has been an improvement in pay but in the measure of stress, it's increased exponentially with each new position I've taken on. Because My All is simply never good enough.
I am so exhausted. I'm worn out, I'm always extremely tired physically. I need more sleep but due to the stress, I often have a difficult time sleeping and an even more difficult time letting the day go. I carry my work home with me. Yeah, I'm one of those people. My mind races just as it did during my shift of trying to get so many things completed before I run out of time. I struggle to get through the unending tasks I have to do, then I practically inhale my lunch (eating way too fast), or I skip it all together because my stomach is so tied up in knots that I can't eat. And I say all this not to whine about it, I'm grateful for a job, it provides for now but I say this to be completely honest. I feel as though my life is just work. Get up, go to work, go to sleep, repeat.
But I want my life to be so much more. I want my life to be out in nature hiking, breathing in the earth around me; having the physical energy to exercise and stay healthy would be nice. I want my life to be volunteering at shelters for the homeless, but more than that, I want to help end homelessness. I want to volunteer for animal rescues. I'd love to have actual free time, I cannot even comprehend the concept of "free time", because it escapes me daily. I want my life to be not just serving others purely for their financial gain or for my own profit but serving a greater mission towards true spiritual fulfillment. Some people measure success as dollars, I do not. I've seen how easily those dollars fade and are given away as quickly as they came. It has to be about more.....
I keep praying for God to guide me in the direction I need to go so that I do not stay in this same "repeat" mode for another year and the year after and then suddenly years from now, I'm nearing the end of my life wondering why I never did anything that truly mattered or was worth while. I wouldn't even mind being just as tired and worn out as I am today if I knew it meant that people were being helped, and God was being glorified. Are people who truly need help being helped by me working this hard? Are life's being changed? Souls impacted? Are animals being rescued? Are the sick being cared for? And most importantly; is God being glorified in what I do? No.
No to all of the above questions; and I just pray that Jesus will reveal to me how. How do I get off repeat? How do I put into place the desires He placed into my heart the moment He created me? How do I begin living my purpose for Him and no longer continue wasting my days nor my energy in trying to achieve the unachievable goals set for me by man?
These are the questions that often leave me in wait for an answer but I will keep believing for God to answer me. I will keep believing Him for far greater purpose. For divine connections. For revelation.... for clarity on my intended path, and for the strength to continue to wait on His perfect timing until He is ready to move me. But during the wait I will also take small steps towards what God has placed in my heart long ago. And trust in His loving hand to go before me in favor. In Jesus name I truly pray, Amen.
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