I'm so drained from where I have been
My eyes tired from the rain
That's flowed down my face since then
Through all four seasons....no end
I don't have it in me to love again
I don't have anymore love to give.....can't you see
I have given all of my energy
every ounce of the heart in me to love someone
A man I wanted to be the one
And still do
But that chance was taken from me
4 years ago and now we'll never be
Now....I don't know how to love
All I know is him.....Stevie
and the way it felt when we first kissed
Like the world stopped in that very moment
just for us.....there was bliss
And nothing else
Evaporated was every hint of sadness in my soul
I became whole
because he loved me
Nothing in this world mattered to him but me
And I would give the world to have him back
But unfortunately society has taken our chance
at the love meant to be.....true love.... a real romance
This man was more than just a man
He was mine....my soul mate, my lover, my best friend
I could tell him anything and he'd still love me
Where will I ever find that again?
Who out there wouldn't judge me?
Who out there would still love me....in all my flaws?
Who would stay beside me at all costs?
Who but God, his Son and this One man?
And if so.....if there were another
how....tell me how can I give him my heart
when it still belongs to another?
How could I ever kiss another man and not feel as though I am cheating?
How can I love again knowing his heart would stop beating without me?
How can I go on with my life....when I know he can't go on without me?
It would be wrong
Wrong to try to love someone besides him
The man I love is locked away and all alone
There is no one besides him
Not for me
How would that even be fair?
For me to smile while he cries?
For me to live when every day a part of him dies?
I am all he has
But what do I have?
What am I left with
but a shell of what once was?
The memories of a love I can no longer touch
I cannot kiss him, not even a hug
He may be a love lost
but still he is my Love
And so I cannot abandon him
I could never forgive myself if I left him all alone
and something God forbid were to happen to him
No....I cannot leave him
Not like this.....Not when I am his only reason for living
Not now......not today....nor tomorrow
or for the rest of my days will I ever leave him
I would rather live in sorrow each day I of my existence
than to keep him at a distance any longer
Stevie and I....
We were meant to be but can never be
Do you have any idea how much that kills me?
Do you know how my heart aches each day without ease?
For years....not a day goes by when my eyes don't fill with tears
For the one I was supposed to be with forever
He is my everything
To leave him behind would be killing
the very part of me that keeps me breathing
He has been my life since I was 13
I was fortunate enough to know unconditionally
what real love is
So tell me......how can I leave?
Why would I abandon a part of what makes me....me?
He needs me and I will sacrifice the intimacy
The Physical Love that we used to share
Things that the flesh desires
for the Spiritual Love that connects us....for it's so rare
A love that takes us from two individual beings
to being One.....it's surreal
That to me is worth my tears....the pain I must feel
from missing him
I could never abandon him....he is what makes my blood flow
My heart beat.....my lungs breathe.....he is all I know
Call me crazy
but so long as he has me....then I will never be alone.
It is hard to even imagine while this man is living that I can love anyone besides him. I know it is unfair to me and anyone I have cared for....but not nearly as unfair as it would be to tell him I can't love him and leave him when I am all he has. So I have decided to sacrifice the things I crave like cuddling....or kissing....the feeling of being loved....I will sacrifice that for him because there is something more that connects us that is deeper and gives me more than any physical thing could give me. So I can't be there for another man other than him. It wouldn't be right because I wouldn't be able to give the other man all of my heart....how could I when I know it belongs to the man who is unfortunately behind bars...but still holds my heart and my soul is connected to his.
ReplyDeleteSo beautifully written! If it's meant to be, then it will be. You can't punish yourself for the choices that he made. Any idea how long it'll be till he gets out?? ...... If it's a long time I would just hate to see you put your life and dreams on hold for him ..... if he really loves you and wants you to be happy then he would want you to fulfill your dreams & desires. and as long as you are following God then you are walking in the will of God and if your paths are meant to cross again and become joined together again then they will. You can walk int hat confidence. You will find someone that loves you and appreciates you for the "real" you, whether he's the one God has for you or whether it turns out to be someone in Cali that has been praying for someone like you to come into their life. Nothin, and nobody can replace your first love, it's natural and normal for you to always have a place for them in your heart. Keep him in your life, be there for him, encourage him, and at the same time keep striving on to reach your goals and the destiny that God has for you. Then when he gets out you can really know & feel if it's meant to be.
ReplyDeleteThank you for understanding. It can be so hard some times.....and I am definately going to keep him in my life forever....He may have a chance at parole in 2011 but if he's denied...then he will be in prison for 20 years so I am praying that God will have favor on him and help in his release but as you said....if it is meant to be then it will be. Only time will tell I guess. I miss him though. :'( But I will be okay. He is very supportive of my dreams and goals I have for myself. He has told me to date and don't wait for him. He is actually a better person since being locked up if that makes any sense. He's not the selfish teenager he once was. He does want me to be with him and only him but he isn't going to tie me down either. He wants me to be free....but I just wrote him a letter again telling him that I am okay with that but that I always want to have him be a part of my life even if we are not a couple. He still and always will be my first love and I told him. I wanted to be here for him no matter what. No matter who I am dating and if fate brings it to be that he gets released and we are back together then so be it. If not I at least let him know that I will be there for him regardless. He means a lot to me. Thanks for talking with me last night and thank you for understanding how it feels....for a minute there I felt that no one could understand. :) I love you Shay.
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