It's like the more I start to feel
the more the emptiness is revealed
I feel so unfulfilled
Even though I smile
it feels unreal
Forced
Like it is not mine
of my own being
But separate from me
I see the image of happiness
when I project that which is laughter
But inside my soul something is lacking
There is an emptiness which is obvious
to no one but me
Why can't anyone else see?
I wonder if they notice
the tears concealed
If they have noticed the pain I feel
If they have seen
the split second of sadness that crosses my face
in between the moments I appear to be unfazed
I wonder if they caught a glimpse of the real me
But they haven't
They truly believe
the happiness they see in me
is genuine
Indeed....at times it is
But then there's days like this
When I have to hide the way I really feel
When I must conceal my pain
In order to maintain my sanity
But please....do not think bad of me
I do not mean to offend
I don't mean to come across fake
though I pretend
I do it to try and create a world for me
filled with positives
Far from negativity
A world in which if I pretend long enough
the end result could be reality
No longer a fantasy
but a real smile for all the world to see
To be truly at peace
My one intention.....to be free
Free from this sadness
though it's persistence is undeniable
It continues to hold prisoner my smile
but I refuse to give up
that which belongs to me
though it's grip is strong
My determination won't cease
to exist
My faith won't quit
and this is why I insist on smiling
even when this world wants me to frown
On staying up
when I am constantly pushed down
Why I cling to my moments of peace
though there may not be many
Each one leaves me with a precious memory
I can tap into to remind me
of the happiness that once existed
After a while that persistence of sadness
will have weakened
and I can begin to again see clearly
that which made me happy before
And I'd no longer have to fake a smile anymore
because it would come naturally
These are days I await so impatiently.
I am proud to say those days of happiness coming naturally and not having to fake a smile have come. But it's been a long time coming. And if you are ever feeling empty or sad just know that it doesn't last forever. It may seem like an eternity when you are in that state of mind. But over time is does truly get easier to smile, to feel joy in your heart, to love and give love freely without conditions. Don't get me wrong....some days I still feel this way....but most of my days are truly fulfilling because I make the best of it. So you can too. Remember always that "Everything we imagine in life is improbable, but never impossible." ~Brianna Carey
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