My thoughts on Forgiveness

Forgiveness of self is one the hardest things to do in this world. It's easier for me to forgive others but never have I been able to forgive myself. I await that day when I truly forgive myself so that I can be surrounded by complete and total peace as well as inner peace. If you think about it. Every Great thing that has ever come in life has come by forgiveness. So why is it that I can't forgive myself when I make a mistake? Why is it that I beat myself up about it like my one mistake is worse than any other human on earth has ever made. That's not fair to do to yourself.....because someone Else's mistakes may or may not be worse but that's not for me to judge. Still to me....it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I am doing horribly in the eyes of God when I mess up. It feels like I have failed Him, and I know He doesn't think that way. I know He has already forgiven me the very moment I messed up. But something in me makes me feel like my mess ups are can not be forgiven.....and I think I know what that something is. It's bad energy, guilt from my past, evil and negativity that drags me down into this pit of self pity and feeling worthless, because I keep messing up. But God is steady trying to forgive me. The problem is....I don't want to forgive myself. It's like I use that guilt and anger caused by my past regrets and I store it up and use it as an excuse to mess up again. Then the next mistake I make won't seem as bad as the others. You know why that is? I can't get past my past. I stay locked in it ya'll. I don't feel like I am worth being better. I don't feel like I deserve anymore chances. All because I don't know how to forgive Me. I don't know how to move on from what's done. To move on from what's unchangeable. I hold on to every waking moment in my past life.....thinking that if I release that, (in a sense) I am letting go of who I am. But these mistakes....these flaws....they're not who I am. They're not who I want to be. They are who I WAS. But I'm so busy being caught up in my past that I am unable to find who I am today. Tomorrow is always a brand new start. The question is Will we take that tomorrow and use it to the best of our abilities? Will we embrace it and become better than yesterday? That's the ultimate question. Can you forgive yourself and let go of what you can not change? Someone told me a quote by a very wise man Reinhold Niebuhr who said "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." This quote is not only by far my favorite. It is powerful. One who can achieve such serenity, courage, and wisdom is one powerful human being not condemned by there past. It's a human being who's mind and conscience are free of guilt. It is what I strive for. Another quote that I love is from Buddha, "The secret to health for both the body and mind is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." So I am going to try my friends. Try to do this from now on. My focus right now is to get from underneath this cloud that has been hovering over me for years....formally known as my past. To stop daydreaming of what I do not know which is my future. And to focus....I mean really focus on Today. The very here and now. The present, because the past is no more and the future is yet to come. The present is a gift that is why it is called the present. So what will you do with this gift? Will you spend it wallowing in your mistakes of the past and daydreaming about something you can not predict or will you spend it loving everyone you know, and smiling every second you get and knowing that you are truly forgiven, and start spending every moment forgiving yourself? You do deserve it. That's all. I just wanted to speak on that just in case anyone out there is feeling the same. You are not alone my friend. Just know that. You are not alone.